Thursday, 10 May 2018

Wandering, Worrying, Wondering.....




What compels
You ask,
That I
 present
As one that
Is the consort
Of Saints 
And 
Ascended Masters?

Consider 
A self-loathing
So complete
And 
Profound
That 
To embrace
Myself
In truth
Occurred 
To me
Far more painful
Than 
My self-deception!!

"Spiritual name-dropping"
Then
A desperate ploy
To attain
The love
That I 
Insisted on renouncing
From myself.

I seek 
A love/God
That is real
To me..
No longer
For personal
Aggrandizement 
Too long
Has my ladder
Been
Ascending 
The wrong wall..

I seek
No further accolades
For my heart's plea
For clemency
From my 
Personal hell

I pray
For grace
For which
My response
Is to be
Profound appreciation
Awe & reverence
I am worthy
Not necessarily deserving
And certainly not
Entitled

My life choices
Have groomed me
Near exclusively
To become
Vaguely acquainted
With 
Humility

My God
A lifetime spent
Beating my chest
or 
Quivering beneath
A quagmire
of 
My own shame.

Either way
Demanding - "my due.."
Oblivious
To vast tides
Providing
Ample cause
For gratitude
Refusing 
To release
My grip upon
Self-perceived persecution 
Or to relax
Self-appointed haughtiness
That I might
Come to my knees.

What time remains?
Can a lifetime
of 
Omissions
Be reconciled
While 
A personal Autumn
Beckons
Upon the horizon?

How broad 
Is the embrace
of 
Grace
For one 
Modern day Prodigal Son?

I have 
No answers
Though I'm told
Hold the key

I know nothing
Of the heart's 
Of history's
"Sinners and Saints"

What if
This were 
The last call
For reconciliation?

What could possible
Present
As more pressing
Than my heart's 
Salvation?

R. O'Neill (May 10th, 2018)