Nothing is As It Seems

As those of you that have followed this blog in the past know, it doesn't necessarily follow any sequential or chronological order. That I hope, will be a useful reminder to some and and explanation for others regarding the seeming random nature.

I will begin by saying over the last month I have begun "casual employment" as what the organization calls an "Outreach worker"this takes place at what is a drop in center for low income and homeless folks and takes the form of an emergency "extreme weather" shelter. There are spaces (mats) for 30 people to sleep on one floor and a "drop in center" on another floor where hot drinks and snacks are available for those that want to come in from the cold. A certain weather (criteria) must occur in order for the shelter to be called into effect.

Since beginning there I have encountered resistance to authority, self esteem issues (self contempt, self-punishing, self-sabotaging), martyrdom, victim consciousness and scarcity/lack thinking and once I got over my expanded self-awareness, then there was the meeting of the clientele and some glimmers of insight into what they deal with on a daily basis.

I have found that being in this environment has triggered me in a variety of ways. Some of this has it's origins in my relationship with both parents - however on this occasion I will focus on my father. I have no intention of waxing endlessly, fixated on the all to familiar orientation of "blaming" my parents for my life. I will say that many beliefs I created about myself (in relation to them) have carried through a myriad of relationships for much of my life - awaiting me to resolve and heal them. Having said that, in itself, that is ample motivation to gain freedom.

It was just last week when I was participating in a men's circle that I was discussing and processing for myself within the group what would be feelings and things left "unspoken" that date back quite some considerable time. The point being, unexpressed does not mean gone. Everything, that is meant literally is energy, including these repressed feelings and below that the mistaken beliefs that are at their roots. The problem is that one can be subject to one set of "rules" and conditioning in their family as well social conditioning, political correctness and even many groups that fancy themselves "spiritual" would have one believe that some things ought not be said. That above all else there must be forgiveness and gratitude for all "the good." I'm not disputing this, but I am saying that it is necessary to beware of the "spiritual bypass." This is where one uses spirituality as an alibi (cover story) for continued denial and repression and skips right past their true feelings and feigns forgiveness and gratitude. You may have heard "fake it until you make it." The problem with this is that it lacks in honesty and authenticity. My experience is that in order for "the truth to set me free," I need to first become aware of the truth and then be will to feel the feelings, express them and be willing to release them (along with any mistaken unconscious beliefs I might have).

So within this group I just let it rip - no longer concerned for how I'll look or what others might judge about me - I give voice to that which has laid dormant and unsaid. As I said earlier this is not for the purpose of blame and I'm certainly not advocating staying stuck in these feelings. But in order to truly forgive it is necessary to express all that is there. Forgiveness to me means that even if I remember I will no longer have any sort of energetic charge associated with these live "events." I don't mean the variety of forgetting such as "what the hell was the PIN #or password - it means completion - and there are no short cuts to completion. So in this moment it was about expressing some anger that I had repressed for a variety of reasons not the least of which was "self-preservation." The family system I came from seemed to have provisions for the "adults" to get angry - but that dynamic was not extended to the children. Then there was multiple layers of "shoulds" as in "I should be grateful for the "stable" home and opportunities I was given. All true to a point, but not necessarily justification to disallow the authentic expression of feelings. After all wouldn't "stability" allow for authenticity? No question that it is truly a gift to be witnessed and accepted - I would say it matters not that the specific players are there to witness said expression, it is more important that it occur. This in turn moves one towards completion.

Less than a week later - I had intended to visit my dad in the acute care hospital where he had been transferred from extended care. I held off going initially as I was getting over a head cold (and perhaps in hindsight - needed to be more spiritually fit for the visit).

I was down town on my bike having completed a few errands before going to the hospital when I heard some music from down the block.

I rode closer to investigate - there was something familiar about the tones of the various instruments (beyond the well-worn melodies of various Christmas songs). As I got closer I could see it was five members of the military band - helping to raise money for the Salvation Army. I suspected seeing their uniforms that I knew the band they represented (it was the Naden Band) which my dad had been a member for thirty years. All of them were playing saxophones (alto, tenor, baritone etc.) - the saxophone being one of the instruments my dad played when he was actively performing with the band. I was touched and moved deeply as I remembered all the performances I attended as a young boy and listening to my dad practice saxophone around the house. It was also interesting to note (pun intended) that through various circumstances I have accessed various services through the Salvation Army - they have most certainly been a blessing in my life of late.

Upon confirming this was indeed members of the Naden Band I thanked the "base commander" in attendance - told him of my connection and family association with the band and about being on my way to the hospital to see my dad (one of their former members). I gave generously as the grace of their recent support and the divine order of this pre-hospital visit "coincidence" opened my heart beyond previously held limitations.

As it turned out when I arrived at the ward the "attending physician" invited me to have a conversation with respect to the "care plan." It is to be comfort measures from here forward for my dad - I suppose you could say in a somewhat different context, it is the same for me.

It is most appropriate that a further healing in the relationship between my dad and I (which is really to say - my relationship with myself) was ushered in via music. Often angels are depicted playing harps - who is to say that they couldn't or don't play saxophones?!!