Wednesday 29 May 2013

Consciousness or Now I Wake me from this Sleep

As I sit and ponder this idea of "Spiritual awakening" - becoming "more conscious" in preparation to create this next article a few things spring to mind.  I first become conscious of the fact that seemingly, the blank template is going to become occupied by writing with that focus. So one could say I have become conscious of consciousness - perhaps even "inspired" by it. Could even go so far as to suggest that consciousness wishes to say something - and a moment ago, chose me as the vehicle.

It's a little bit like "Rob - take a memo" (I wonder if anyone - anymore, says "take a memo?" It's not exactly part of my typical lexicon, however if "we" can entertain for the moment that I'm taking dictation - then as I believe Elton John once sang "Don't Shoot Me I'm Only the Piano Player" hmm.. I wonder if anyone - anymore, asks of another "take dictation."

The next thing that ought to be made clear is in the opening sentence I made reference to "this idea" so I better clarify right out of the starting gate, that what follows, might just fall short, of being the definitive works on "awakening/consciousness."So consciousness is about to be conveyed through my unique expression - just the same I'm not going to look upon this as the "gospel truth" if for no other reason than - new information constantly presents - therefore this is more of a snapshot than a feature length movie - more an ongoing story than a fixed testimonial. However if with regard to  consciousness, I am observing myself somewhere in the process of awakening, I can at the very least acknowledge a departure from unconsciousness, enough to know that was my previous state - I am journeying past and through what I didn't know (and have since come to know) heading onward further, toward what I don't know and even spend varying lengths of time visiting what I don't know - I don't know. But, if "I know, there is that which I don't know - I don't know, then couldn't it be said, I'm aware of and therefore "in the know" - so perhaps consciousness of further unconsciousness paves the road to further consciousness?

Are ya with me? (maybe a better question is, are you willing to stay with me?) The interesting thing about this process of writing for me is - I'm not entirely sure where it going at all times - so I suppose I would ask the same of those that read what I write that I ask of myself - "trust that there will be something of value within." What follows is that which is yielded through my becoming the instrument - I am more "written" than I am writer. Therefore once completed (and edited) I post because, who am I to say what is of value? Contained herein might well be the right and perfect thing for someone to read. So if there are those that struggle with what I have written because they are hung up on some aspect of my personality - I urge you to see past the messenger and look for value somewhere in the message.  I can't guarantee that I will out live the short-comings in my personality - however I assure you it is my intention to serve - through carrying "the message." What message? How would I know? If I concern myself less with thinking I need to know - think even less about being recognized as the one who does know - then that leaves far more room for something to flow through that is of value to others. All I need to do is get out of the way!

So back to pondering - if indeed I ever left! I consider what I once thought about matters such as Spiritual awakening - higher consciousness etc. - were I to go far enough back in my history I would have said, the whole thing is a lot of horse feathers! I'll spare you the intricacies of how I came to become more "open"(read in my case, desperate)  to the necessity of considering the need for spirituality in my life, but the further I got down that path - the more I became enamoured with various aspects of the "Hollywood representation - the mystical, magical, altruistic and let's not forget dramatic. Now I'm not saying that elements of all of these qualities don't exist - or that they are "bad or wrong." I can say that my experience is that placing all my energy, attention and focus upon these and these only proved to be a trap of sorts. There are many things upon a given path - that might appear as attractive, some can even be amusing and entertaining for some period of time, however they may well prevent one from reaching what is truly available further down the path if they are allowed to become longstanding distractions. A mentor of mine once cautioned me about becoming too concerned with the "gifts" rather than continue to seek a relationship with the giver. (I can't say I really understood what he was talking about at the time - but it is beautiful how the seeds of ideas are planted at one place in my life and they sprout, flourish and yield fruit, sometimes many years later).

I've been on this path for quite sometime now - this is not to try and convey some eligibility for "frequent flyer points" but rather to say - my initial naiveté which on the one hand - allowed me access to the journey (if I knew at the outset what laid ahead I likely never would have began). I had no idea of the degree to which I would be called to level my pride and begin to become acquainted with humility (neither of which am I claiming to have full mastery of - class is still in session). I can certainly say that the "glamour" and "image" that I fostered (for myself) of "Spiritual warrior" "lightworker" etc. (which again, of themselves are not "bad or wrong" the pitfall for me was in believing that even if what I was doing was in alignment with these qualities I thought it made me special - oh indeed, there is a "special kind of pain" when I wake up to discover my spiritual path has been hijacked by my ego" - this has nothing to do with "punishment" it's simply consequences. The path that was heading in the direction of connection, purpose, love and acceptance - suddenly becomes darkened by isolation, disconnection, fear - maybe a necessary experience along the way to further growth - but if I may be allowed to use a less than sophisticated summation - IT JUST SUCKS!

So with no intention toward either false humility or self-deprecation I suggest that my journey toward enlightenment is no longer about my being "special" it goes a little like this: I seek the truth and light as I have spent far too long in the dark and though I have fostered an affinity for suffering (wore it like a fricken' badge of honour)  I have exceeded my threshold for pain - I seek the light so as to lessen the need to bash my head off the walls and stub my toes in the dark.

What of the mystical and the magical and the dramatic? Well ironically I stopped looking for this sort of thing and didn't it come looking for me! Does this once again make me special? No! I believe it absolutely speaks to the wonder and power of consciousness (or the source thereof) in it's ability to get one's (in this case mine) attention. I reckon sometimes for some of us that are - shall we say, wound a little tight - there is a need to "demonstrate" that beyond the rather complex, however nonetheless limiting aspects of my mind there exists infinite possibility. So consciousness says (in a manner of speaking) "just because you think it, it doesn't mean it's true" nor does it matter how tightly you weave these thoughts together" - because ......... take a look at THIS!! (Whoa! did that?.... is this?... it would appear that..... ya.... it could be sometime before...... LIKE NEVER!!! that I can talk about that!) just the same paradigms and orientations to "what is" are somehow never the same again. So while some might be chanting the ever popular "love & light" - I gotta tell you my experience of some of this "awakening" is that it is DISTURBING! (in hindsight I reckon it's supposed to be - can't very well re-orientate without temporarily becoming disoriented) I can't even say emphatically that these awakenings aren't in fact "an act of love"when I consider the alternative is to remain in ever-lasting ignorance (which some say is "bliss" - but probably only as long as I stayed completely unconscious - once I began to realize I was in pain and I had a hand in the creation of it (or at least in perpetuating it) well suddenly the "bliss of the darkness" isn't so cushy.

What I missed by skipping over the fine print was - it's not going to be any cake-walk this walk toward the light - but you now know there is an end to your suffering (not pain - but endless suffering) you can't not know that again - and you must continue to seek the light, to stop, would invite the return of the suffering. Oh and just so the whole thing's on the up and up - you have and will always have "free will" (it's your choice).
Well now..... thank God for that! Gotta say was feeling a little manipulated here...... CHOICE?  what choice? Let's see here, stay put - perpetual suffering..... move forward toward the light/truth - pain, disillusionment, grief, anger, fear, humility, joy, peace, freedom - I don't know.... what else ya, got!?

"Okay...... okay it's kinda convoluted - however it's possible I'm making some of the necessary steps toward higher consciousness (read the work) out to be "punishment" or bad - given the outcome I can see the whole thing in a context of love (are ya sure there's not an easier way?) in that sort of toss the baby bird out of the nest teach it to fly - throw Rob of the end of the pier so he can learn to swim kinda way!"

I heard the expression "in order to come to your senses you must lose your mind" and there is no doubt that some of the experiences I've had seemed to suggest that was exactly what was going on. Now I don't claim that the presence or absence of "mystical experience" define awakening - as has been noted there is much in the way of wisdom to suggest, that one largely ignore these (though that is sometimes easier said than done - of course no one said it would be easy). Undoubtedly there is no shortage of those in our largely secular society that would be quick to look for "rationale"to explain away all of it. Considering I was shall we say, a "chemistry major" in the 70's back in high school, perhaps my consciousness expansion is an extension of my choice to take "the blue pill" back in the day?

Not so long ago I was having a conversation with a friend and I was trying to convey some aspects of my expanded awareness with respect to my own life. I was over-joyed to be able to express the experience of deep heart-felt connection and the presence of love in my life (which included the person I was having the conversation with and that I was having the conversation) but she was seemingly struggling with the further sharing that my ability and willingness, my gratitude and joy to have these experiences was not overshadowed by, but at least currently included, sadness and repressed grief - why, because I was aware that while I was having this experience now, there were many that had come and gone in my life (some that were in my life for quite some time) and I didn't share these connections with them - sure I did my best, with who I was at the time and there is no value in lamented over the past endlessly. Nevertheless, the awareness of what was possible now - came with the awareness that it was possible then and therefore the accompanying grief. Likely more grist for the mill - for further expansion and growth. My stance is that such feelings and awarenesses must be embraced brought to the light - held in love, but healed and expressed, which means a spectrum of feelings and confusion and moments of darkness (that can present and convince, it is a return to the darkness that ends all darkness). My caution is that they cannot (nor should they) be dismissed with admonishments that "you must not be meditating enough" or "well if you were really embracing the light you wouldn't have such negative feelings - I believe this is known in some circles as "the spiritual bypass." (Which has looked like to take an example from my life: I have some deep-seated anger toward someone in my life and I get the idea that what I need to do is forgive them - that's what a spiritual person does!) thing is, this is true enough and maybe some advanced beings can just go right straight to forgiveness. But when I tried that it didn't allow for me to come to know what I need to know about myself and express the feelings along the way. There was the anger itself - repressed but not gone. There was shame that I felt this way about this person. There was fear that if I honestly expressed my truth I would be rejected and seen as unloveable. Concern for being seen as less than spiritual in the spiritual community because I wasn't forgiving. That is a considerable repression and I can tell you it doesn't just go away because the years roll by (time itself does not heal anything - healing actions taken over time, bring healing)

Awakening to me - is coming to accept my ticket to ride and embrace my entire humanity. Sometimes that is the most joy-filled, delightful, blissful encounter imaginable - other times it's really, really messy and everything in between. My walk toward more fully realizing my potential as a human being through spirituality (has had very little success while trying to be "more spiritual"& by ignoring the darkness) first of all it's not a competition!! Second ignoring it - doesn't mean it doesn't exist, my experience is that it comes leaking out in some way, shape or form regardless, therefore no one is fooled by my pretense except me through self-deception.

There you have it - all that consciousness and still, if I take a walk down town and decide to take a short cut across the Inner Harbour - I'm pretty sure I'm going to get wet!!

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